In the fire

Several months ago I entered a new dynamic in my life, call it a midlife crisis, call it coming of age, call it stupidity... I call it being lost inside myself and not knowing how to find the way out. Over night, I went from having a wonderful set of friends that I trusted and loved with my whole heart to having that relationship tore to shreds, my kids growing up and pushing away and my husband and I not being anywhere close to knowing each other anymore...how can we, our focus has been kids, teen parents in the making and now, we have no "kids" to parent... what a blow! What do I do?
Those friends, they still aren't there and it still hurts but its alright. I realize now that sometimes who we call friends really aren't. My kids, they make me proud everyday of my life. They are strong, smart and caring people. They'll come back when they need mommy and she'll always be here ready. (love you guys forever and more!)
The biggest question of all is me, who am I? Where do I go from here? Can I become the person who has moved on from abused child, former teen mom, struggling middle aged "crazy" wanting to explore life and all she missed out on the last twenty to what life has in store for me now? Can I once again beat down old memories of that childhood in order to rise from the ashes like the phoenix I've always been?
I am learning, to answer these questions, I just have to wake up each day, say a little prayer and jump in! Its bigger than me, its Gods plan for me and its going to be what He wants for me. Sadly, I'm not perfect, my life is not perfect. I need prayer to find myself, therapy to save my marriage and time to heal all my pain. I know I am a strong person, I've overcome so much in my life already, I'll move past this as well.
When you see me around, don't look at me like I'm a bad person because you see me in the grocery store buying wine, I will drink it. If I burst into tears, just know, I got some medicine for that at home too! What I want you to know is when you look at me, know nothing is perfect, I am real life in the making and when I do grow up all the way I will be amazing! I am a phoenix, right now I'm burning, I will rise from those ashes again, changes and all, stronger and wiser for all that I've been through.