Bad memories can become good!

For anyone who really knows me I've been honest about my childhood and the struggles I've encountered over the years because of it. One such memory that has always left me tearful and saddened over twenty years later is the story about the family bunny rabbit.
My siblings and I had a pet rabbit, given to us by our parents for Easter one year. As typical kids we fell in love with Jellybean and she quickly took a hold of our hearts... when we moved to Bryan County all of our animals came with us and over the months that followed slowly the chickens "disappeared". As money was scarce and there was no job in sight for daddy our food ran out. Logically, we needed to eat, mercifully we were too young to realize the full situation.
One day, our Jellybean was gone. Broken hearted my sister cried and my brother pouted. That evening, we had meat for supper with the rice we usually had. As we were eating and exclaiming of how good it was the joke was made and I'll never forget the words my mother used to describe the meat we were happy to have. One simple phrase that I as a seven year old understood only too well- "hop a roo" - Yes, we ate the rabbit. It was then at that very moment I understood that my child hood would never be normal, I would never have the care free world that so many of my class mates enjoyed. My best friend at the time had a new barbie every week and my most epic moment was eating my bunny... what a break!
As the years went by I "forgot" the memory and all the pain that went along with it. That is until my daughter came home one day from school asking for a pet rabbit. All of a sudden the tears that were long dry came back, the heart ache was there as I relived a moment of the past that I wish I never had. My reaction was irrational, I knew this, as I looked at that sweet little face and told her no way would we ever own a rabbit, but it was bigger than me. You see, it went deeper than just a family who was hungry and parents doing what they thought was the best thing at the time. It was a symbol of the beginning of the next ten years of my life! A life that was full of one disappointment after another, a family that never hugged or loved or cared the way I wanted them too...
Ironically, this past weekend, my little family went camping. The campground we stayed at was full of fuzzy little bunny rabbits that would let you pet them. As I watched Britany running after them trying to catch the rabbits, an unexplainable peace came over me, I felt happy with the association of the little rabbits being chased by my daughter instead of the ghosts that have always plagued my mind. To see the simple smile on her face as I showed her how to feed the rabbit out of her hand and conversation about how I used to play with our bunny. Somehow, it was a moment of letting go, looking forward, knowing that I'll never be caught in the reality that I lived so many years ago. I put my defenses down and it didn't hurt me! This is what healing is about folks! Even if it did take thirty years, I am getting there!

Life in The Fat Lane

 As an obese female- (that is a harsh word I had to get used to!) I've witnessed more disappointment in myself than I can begin to tell you about. I am an expert in diet disaster and can tell you every point in the Weight Watcher hand book, I can list the calories and carbohydrate count in Slim Fast and can tell you how much Cabbage Soup you can eat before fatal explosion happens!
What I cannot tell you is how to keep all those ugly little pounds off - forever.
Over the past two years I've been experiencing a metamorphosis with my life. I began the journey into bariatric surgery. After all my insurance requirements were met and my mind was sure that God wouldn't strike me down for doing something for myself instead of my kids, I happily committed to a life changing experience! Eleven months later and eighty five pounds lighter I am still in the fat lane but making good time traveling in the right direction.
So far, my lap band has been the forth best decision I've ever made! (Right behind baptism, marriage and child birth). Food will forever be my shameful companion. I learned to be creative as well as selective with what I choose to eat. No bread, rice, pasta or potatoes on my plate please! No sugar and no soda either! Protein keeps the muscles lean and the fat burning off.
I am learning a lot about myself these days. I presently enjoy camping more than ever. I love going shopping and buying size 18 AND THEY FIT!!!! I found a strength within myself that lets me know I will be successful this time! Most importantly, I've learned that I have an awesome blessing and a wonderful support system in  family and friends that love me despite my size.
So as I travel down life's road in the fat lane I am constantly adapting to conditions, avoiding the pot holes and the wrecks that come at me full speed ahead. I believe in giving back and helping where I can, as a result, I have started a support group to help other weary travelers along the way.
To those of you who think bariatric surgery is easy and the lazy way out...think again and gain some education! The choice I made completely changed my life forever - with the good and bad! Along with the potential to win my fight against obesity there are ways of life I will never be able to go back to if I want to remain successful. In the future, there is medicine I will not be allowed to take due to my "condition". I will always be rolling along with my life in the fat lane, cruising for the next mile marker to successful weight loss.

If you have a question or would like to talk about bariatric surgery please don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know, and get you the answers if I don't.

In the beginning

So, here we go, the start of something new! My question now is what to blog about? For me, the answer is everything. My childhood, my family life, my bariatric surgery, my kids, EVERYTHING is free inspiration! My husband has told me for years that I should write a book, since I don't really have the resources or the nerve to do such I want to use this as my sort of  "book". My way of letting others know that I understand there are things we all go through that lead us down a predetermined path that will usually be questioned the entire way. It took me a long time to understand that the reasons for that path although they were often times cruel and heartbreaking were mine to follow and made me what I am today.

I hope you all enjoy my block of life!