I love to hear the sound of the rain gently falling on my metal roof. Reminds me that even Mother Nature washes clean the world in which we live. When the sun comes out and everything is bright and green the birds sing a song of rejoicing. Its almost like the entire world is smiling and happy after the storm no matter how gentle or harsh it may be.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had that view of appreciation that nature gives? So often I take for granted  my life. I expect that tomorrow will just another ordinary day. Each day I wake up to the same routine: say a little prayer of thanks for the day, fall into my morning habits and carry on. No break in cycle- no renewal, no cleansing rain.
I think at times we get so bogged down in daily life we forget to actually look at what passes us by. The simple things that make me happy, hearing the giggles of little ones being tickled, an act of kindness towards someone else, the easy laugh of two friends sharing a joke... the simple things that can't be bought or reproduced by anyone. Those are the gifts that life brings us everyday that we all take for granted.
Today, I plan on taking pause on the routine, listening to the rain in my life, enjoying the storm that God is testing me with. I'm going to renew myself in the knowledge that I will bring joy into the lives of people who care about me. Understanding that there is a strength to ride out the storm and remain calm in the face of the worse, I know will bring out the sun, brightening and renewing my piece of the world.
Today is my storm, I welcome it, let it bring clarity to my mind, energy to my body and strength into my heart. Let me be brave enough to ride it out and know tomorrow may be a long way off but I will hear the rejoicing song of celebration after. Who knows, I might even jump in the puddles!

In the fire

Several months ago I entered a new dynamic in my life, call it a midlife crisis, call it coming of age, call it stupidity... I call it being lost inside myself and not knowing how to find the way out. Over night, I went from having a wonderful set of friends that I trusted and loved with my whole heart to having that relationship tore to shreds, my kids growing up and pushing away and my husband and I not being anywhere close to knowing each other anymore...how can we, our focus has been kids, teen parents in the making and now, we have no "kids" to parent... what a blow! What do I do?
Those friends, they still aren't there and it still hurts but its alright. I realize now that sometimes who we call friends really aren't. My kids, they make me proud everyday of my life. They are strong, smart and caring people. They'll come back when they need mommy and she'll always be here ready. (love you guys forever and more!)
The biggest question of all is me, who am I? Where do I go from here? Can I become the person who has moved on from abused child, former teen mom, struggling middle aged "crazy" wanting to explore life and all she missed out on the last twenty to what life has in store for me now? Can I once again beat down old memories of that childhood in order to rise from the ashes like the phoenix I've always been?
I am learning, to answer these questions, I just have to wake up each day, say a little prayer and jump in! Its bigger than me, its Gods plan for me and its going to be what He wants for me. Sadly, I'm not perfect, my life is not perfect. I need prayer to find myself, therapy to save my marriage and time to heal all my pain. I know I am a strong person, I've overcome so much in my life already, I'll move past this as well.
When you see me around, don't look at me like I'm a bad person because you see me in the grocery store buying wine, I will drink it. If I burst into tears, just know, I got some medicine for that at home too! What I want you to know is when you look at me, know nothing is perfect, I am real life in the making and when I do grow up all the way I will be amazing! I am a phoenix, right now I'm burning, I will rise from those ashes again, changes and all, stronger and wiser for all that I've been through.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and my grass is growing. Spring is a wonderful time of year! Lazy Sundays around the house are such a great way to prepare myself for the busy week ahead. This is the time of year I like best! Not really hot yet, everything is alive and new. Easter is coming around the corner. Life is moving! I am looking forward to planting new flowers and begging my strawberry plants to grow!

Not much you can really be mad at with spring in Georgia... except, the pollen, the bugs and the wicked rain that comes along with all the wonderful parts. I think its worth it though! Hopefully, this year I will be going to Cumberland Island and doing a lot of camping. (keeping my fingers crossed for that) If only I could say the same for summer!!! So, in the mean time, here's to spring! A glass of peach wine and a rocking chair on the front porch! Can't beat that!

Bad memories can become good!

For anyone who really knows me I've been honest about my childhood and the struggles I've encountered over the years because of it. One such memory that has always left me tearful and saddened over twenty years later is the story about the family bunny rabbit.
My siblings and I had a pet rabbit, given to us by our parents for Easter one year. As typical kids we fell in love with Jellybean and she quickly took a hold of our hearts... when we moved to Bryan County all of our animals came with us and over the months that followed slowly the chickens "disappeared". As money was scarce and there was no job in sight for daddy our food ran out. Logically, we needed to eat, mercifully we were too young to realize the full situation.
One day, our Jellybean was gone. Broken hearted my sister cried and my brother pouted. That evening, we had meat for supper with the rice we usually had. As we were eating and exclaiming of how good it was the joke was made and I'll never forget the words my mother used to describe the meat we were happy to have. One simple phrase that I as a seven year old understood only too well- "hop a roo" - Yes, we ate the rabbit. It was then at that very moment I understood that my child hood would never be normal, I would never have the care free world that so many of my class mates enjoyed. My best friend at the time had a new barbie every week and my most epic moment was eating my bunny... what a break!
As the years went by I "forgot" the memory and all the pain that went along with it. That is until my daughter came home one day from school asking for a pet rabbit. All of a sudden the tears that were long dry came back, the heart ache was there as I relived a moment of the past that I wish I never had. My reaction was irrational, I knew this, as I looked at that sweet little face and told her no way would we ever own a rabbit, but it was bigger than me. You see, it went deeper than just a family who was hungry and parents doing what they thought was the best thing at the time. It was a symbol of the beginning of the next ten years of my life! A life that was full of one disappointment after another, a family that never hugged or loved or cared the way I wanted them too...
Ironically, this past weekend, my little family went camping. The campground we stayed at was full of fuzzy little bunny rabbits that would let you pet them. As I watched Britany running after them trying to catch the rabbits, an unexplainable peace came over me, I felt happy with the association of the little rabbits being chased by my daughter instead of the ghosts that have always plagued my mind. To see the simple smile on her face as I showed her how to feed the rabbit out of her hand and conversation about how I used to play with our bunny. Somehow, it was a moment of letting go, looking forward, knowing that I'll never be caught in the reality that I lived so many years ago. I put my defenses down and it didn't hurt me! This is what healing is about folks! Even if it did take thirty years, I am getting there!

Life in The Fat Lane

 As an obese female- (that is a harsh word I had to get used to!) I've witnessed more disappointment in myself than I can begin to tell you about. I am an expert in diet disaster and can tell you every point in the Weight Watcher hand book, I can list the calories and carbohydrate count in Slim Fast and can tell you how much Cabbage Soup you can eat before fatal explosion happens!
What I cannot tell you is how to keep all those ugly little pounds off - forever.
Over the past two years I've been experiencing a metamorphosis with my life. I began the journey into bariatric surgery. After all my insurance requirements were met and my mind was sure that God wouldn't strike me down for doing something for myself instead of my kids, I happily committed to a life changing experience! Eleven months later and eighty five pounds lighter I am still in the fat lane but making good time traveling in the right direction.
So far, my lap band has been the forth best decision I've ever made! (Right behind baptism, marriage and child birth). Food will forever be my shameful companion. I learned to be creative as well as selective with what I choose to eat. No bread, rice, pasta or potatoes on my plate please! No sugar and no soda either! Protein keeps the muscles lean and the fat burning off.
I am learning a lot about myself these days. I presently enjoy camping more than ever. I love going shopping and buying size 18 AND THEY FIT!!!! I found a strength within myself that lets me know I will be successful this time! Most importantly, I've learned that I have an awesome blessing and a wonderful support system in  family and friends that love me despite my size.
So as I travel down life's road in the fat lane I am constantly adapting to conditions, avoiding the pot holes and the wrecks that come at me full speed ahead. I believe in giving back and helping where I can, as a result, I have started a support group to help other weary travelers along the way.
To those of you who think bariatric surgery is easy and the lazy way out...think again and gain some education! The choice I made completely changed my life forever - with the good and bad! Along with the potential to win my fight against obesity there are ways of life I will never be able to go back to if I want to remain successful. In the future, there is medicine I will not be allowed to take due to my "condition". I will always be rolling along with my life in the fat lane, cruising for the next mile marker to successful weight loss.

If you have a question or would like to talk about bariatric surgery please don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know, and get you the answers if I don't.

In the beginning

So, here we go, the start of something new! My question now is what to blog about? For me, the answer is everything. My childhood, my family life, my bariatric surgery, my kids, EVERYTHING is free inspiration! My husband has told me for years that I should write a book, since I don't really have the resources or the nerve to do such I want to use this as my sort of  "book". My way of letting others know that I understand there are things we all go through that lead us down a predetermined path that will usually be questioned the entire way. It took me a long time to understand that the reasons for that path although they were often times cruel and heartbreaking were mine to follow and made me what I am today.

I hope you all enjoy my block of life!